* If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
* Is there another word for synonym?
* What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?
* If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
* Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
* Whose cruel idea was it for the word lisp to have an "s" in it?
* How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work?
* If convenience stores are open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
* If you are driving at the speed of light and you turn on your headlights, what happens?
* Why are there flotation devices under airline seats instead of parachutes?
* Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
* Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways?
* Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?
* Why is it that when you transport something by car it's called a shipment, but when you transport it by ship, it's called cargo?
* Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
* Why don't sheep shrink in the rain?
* What does Geronimo scream when he jumps out of a plane?
* Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
* If God sneezed, what would you say to him?
* Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
* Why are there five syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?
* Isn't is a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"
* Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
* When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
* When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
* Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?
* Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
* Why is the word "abbreviation" so long?
* Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
* Do fish get cramps after eating?
* When two airplanes almost collide, why do they call it a near miss and not a near hit?
* If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
* How is it possible to have a civil war?
* How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
* If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
* If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
* If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
* Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
* If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
* Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
* Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
* If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their headlights off?
* If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
* If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
* If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
* If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?
* If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
* Why do they put Braille on the number pads of drive-through bank machines?
* If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter?
* When a cow laughs does milk come up its nose?
* How did a fool and his money get together in the first place?
* If nothing sticks to Teflon, how does Teflon stick to the pan?
* How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
* If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
* What's another word for thesaurus?
* Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
* What do they use to ship Styrofoam?
* Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
* Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream container?
* Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
* How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?
* Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
* Does 'virgin wool' come from sheep the shepherd hasn't caught yet?
* When you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
* Does fuzzy logic tickle?
* Do blind Eskimos have seeing-eye sled dogs?
* Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?
* Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?
* If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?
* What was the best thing before sliced bread?
* What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
* How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
* Who is General Failure, and why is he reading my hard disk?
* Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
* OK, so what's the speed of dark?
* If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
* 24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... Coincidence?
* If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
* In synchronized swimming, if the first drowns, do the rest follow?
* If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
* If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
* When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
* Shouldn't a man who invests all your money be called something other than a broker?
* When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
* Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
* Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
* If 21 is pronounced twenty-one why isn't 11 pronounced onety-one?
* If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?"
* If I play a blank tape with the volume turned up, will the mime next door go nuts?
* Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
* After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting out of the water?
* Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?
* Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?
* Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?
* Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?
* If all is not lost, where is it?
* Why are there handicap parking places in front of skating rinks?
* Why do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions?
* Why do you often see people ordering double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke?
* Why is it that we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and yet leave useless junk in the garage?
* When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?
* What would the speed of lightning be if it didn't zigzag?
* Instead of putting pictures of criminals in the post office, why aren't they put on stamps so postman could look for them while they deliver the mail?
* What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
* Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
* Why do we say something is out of whack? What's in whack?
* If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
* Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
* Why do "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
* Why do "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
* Why do 'tug' boats push their barges?
* At ball games, why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we're already there?
* Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
* Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
* Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
* Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
* If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
* Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
* When blondes have more fun, do they know it?
* If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead."?
* If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
* How much deeper would the ocean be if all the sponges didn't live there?
* Why does the sun darken our skin but lighten our hair?
* Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
* Why is it that when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open it's not adoor?
* Why does an alarm clock go "off" when it actually goes "on?"
* Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?
* Why does mineral water, that has trickled down the mountains for centuries, go out of date next year?
* Why are softballs so hard?
* Is it possible to get insurance on insurance? And if so, can you get insurance on that insurance?
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Who do you save when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
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